The Second Adventure: A Cat Called Britain (A Caper in Time Part 1)
by Evan Forman and Michael Robertson - 22.12.14
~ Meanwhile, Deep in the Forest... ~
Aerin collapsed in the damp muck, resting against a tree and
wheezing after just two minutes of running. His face was
dripping with sweat, his lungs felt sore, and his heart was
pounding in his...leg? Which he decided probably wasn't good at
all. He tried to silence himself, listening carefully for any
sign of the metal beast. Nothing. Nothing but the chirping of
birds and insects.
The quiet was interrupted by a tone that vibrated on the inside
of Aerin's skull.
"do-Do-DO-DO. You have reached the voicemail of Aerin Liette-"
Aerin looked all around, into the marshy forest behind him to
try and find the voice.
"Please leave a message after the tone: BEEEEEEP"
"Hello again!"
Aerin jumped when he turned around to see that a travelling
salesman's carriage had appeared on the road in front of him.
The hatch on the side was open, and sitting on the table, in
front of a colourful array of glass bottles, was Britain the
cat.
"What do you want from me?!"
"Oh, nothing, I was just checking up to see how you were
adjusting. How are things?" The cat's voice (singular) sounded
slightly different this time; deeper, but still insufferably
posh. That, and the thin moustache from earlier was on the other
side of its face now, and upside down.
Aerin was still catching his breath. "Um...I'm alive? I think?"
"For the moment, yes."
"So this is real. This is the real world now?"
"Yes." The cat paused. "To an extent." Aerin sighed and his face
fell into his hands. "This world is entirely, dangerously real.
But I wasn't able to make it here so I just scrawled the
hypothetical pentasensory data of this meeting onto your
subconscious while you were sleeping, jimmied it up to your
seeing and hearing holes and had it set to trigger when your
arse fell down in the exact spot you're sitting in. This is a
hallucination, Aerin. You are a crazy person now."
Aerin stood up. "Was that...giant metal thing that tried to kill
us a hallucination too?"
Britain's smug grin fell. "What giant metal thing?" He peered
out from his carriage and looked in the direction of the
graveyard. "What did it look like? Did it have saws for eyes?
Because if it had saws for eyes I'm going to have to get Health
and Safety in on this and if they saw what I was doing with this
place...boom."
"Boom?"
"But don't worry about that, I rigged a universe on the other
side of the building to blow. Just a bit, you know? Laws of
physics melting into each other, people being randomly thrown
from decade to decade, fictions exploding into reality and
smacking into the cold stone face of death before they've had
time for a single thought; nothing that can't be fixed, but
enough to keep their hands full."
Aerin stood there with his arms folded, and the cat looked
puzzled. "You look unimpressed."
"I'd appreciate if you stopped changing the subject. You've
already apologised for that death machine with the names on
those graves - 'Wüps and Soriboise'?"
"I will not apologise for science."
"'Science' is what you're calling that!?"
"Of course. I was testing your 'automatically fleeing from the
first whisper of conflict or adversity of any kind' abilities.
Your results are very encouraging. In fact, I'd say it's the one
and only field of the human experience in which you aren't
utterly incompetent."
"I also write" Aerin mumbled.
"Do you write well?"
"I'm...getting there."
"Oh indeed you are. In fact, you're there already; ta-da!" The
cat gestured to the world around them. "155 years after your
death, I wonder, how has the world remembered Aerin Liette?"
“So is this why you’ve brought me here? To see how my life will
influence the world?”
“Not exactly, although that’ll be interesting to find out as I
can’t imagine you’ll get an opportunity like this again. No, the
reason I have transported you 200 years out of time is to give
you a sneaky peek at the coming attractions. The future is a
scary place but the future of Timperley is scarier than usual.
Something has to be done. And Destiny, that sultry vixen, has
put you and John Boss in a perfect position to do it.”
“But why can’t you do anything? You seem to have mastery over
the space-time continuum, why do you need us to change the
future?”
“It’s more dramatic. Besides, this isn’t the only universe I
have to run and I’d rather not commute. Now enough questions.
Right now, you need an alibi. Where did you come from? What do
you do? Why should anyone listen to you, when you tell them
you're just another citizen of Dryadora? You can't just claim to
be THE author Aerin Liette who popped out of a grave one
Saturday morning now, can you? So, what are you going to tell
them?"
Aerin stared blankly at the cat. "Well...um..."
"Luckily, I already have a man on the inside who's got your
entire life story covered. Or rather, he has your entire cover
story lived. Never mind what you'd like your new life to be
like, I'm sure you're going to slip into your new role just
fine." The cat looked up and raised a little pink paw to the
sky. "Hark, here he is now!"
Aerin jumped out of the way as someone fell through the tree
branches and smacked into the ground with a crunch. His hands
quivered slightly as he looked at the unmoving body in the mud.
"Go on, go and see," cooed Britain.
He stepped closer to the body, which let out a low groan of
agony and limply rolled over. Aerin shot backwards and hit the
carriage when he saw the body's face, and Aerin would have done
the same if the fall hadn't broken his legs.
"Wh...what!?"
"Wh...what!?"
The Aerins sputtered.
They looked back and forth between the cat, and to each other.
"That's...how-" "That's...how-"
Aerin's breathing became uncontrollable.
Aerin's breathing began to croak and fade.
"Oh gods-" "oh god-"
Aerin clasped a hand Aerin drew a limp hand
over his mouth as his chest heaved. to his mouth as he coughed
blood.
"He's..." "He's..."
Aerin's knees buckled as he pressed a hand to the ground and
tried to heave himself up.
"He's me."
Aerin's last breath slipped out before
he could say anything else, and he fell face-first into a muddy
puddle.
"Nope!" enthused Britain. "He looks like you, acts like you,
talks like you, thinks and feels exactly like you, but he isn't
you!"
"Stop it." Aerin was slumped against the back wheel of the
carriage, unable to take his eyes off his corpse. "Explain.
Now."
"Oh, the creation of a fake mortal identity is very simple and
actually a pretty fascinating process. You see, I've gone a few
years back in time and done a bit of jiggery pokery so that a
baby Aerin is created, exactly like you in every way except he’s
been born in the future. A fake Aerin. A stand-in Aerin if you
will. By the time we’re having this conversation, fake baby
Aerin has grown up to be the age you, the real Aerin, are right
now. Then all I had to do is get rid of the fake Aerin and let
you take over his life. Think of it like I created an Aerin to
save your space.”
Aerin closed his eyes, took a breath and managed to stand up,
turning away from the body of his future doppelgänger. "You've
created and murdered a version of me just to give me a
convincing life story?!”
“That’s right! Pretty neat don’t you think?”
Aerin paused for a moment to digest this bizarre situation. “I’m
not sure about the morals of creating a new life-form just to
get rid of them when they’ve served their purpose.”
Britain sighed. “Blimey. You sound just like the union. Look,
don’t worry your tiny little primitive brain about the fine
details. Your names are both Aerin Liette, you are both 27
years, four months, 23 days, three hours, six minutes and 43,
44, 45 seconds old. Things start to deviate when Other Aerin
moved to the shining city of Dryadora's Ivory District after
inheriting an unspendable sum of money from your
great-step-uncle twice removed, the prospector "Old Man"
Jebediah Jingles. In his will, he rather mysteriously bequeathed
his entire fortune to you, much to the protest of his children;
John Jingles, Joe Jingles, Janine Jingles, Jamie Jingles, Jack
Jingles-"
"-I get the poi-"
"-Joanna, Jared, James, Joel, Jade, Jacob, Janet, Jasmine, Jake,
Jason..." The cat inhaled deeply. "But most importantly, and
violently of them all, your long-lost Collisterran cousin: Jafar."
"Nobody's actually going to believe that. I barely believe
that."
Britain waved off his concerns. "Oh, of course they will.
Because it's all true!" He once again raised a paw to the sky.
"Observe!"
Aerin looked up at the tiny silhouette in the sky that was
rapidly getting larger and louder. "I was robbed! The will was
forged you thieving bastard!" he shouted, before smacking into
the ground and splashing mud all over Aerin. He held a dagger in
his right hand and some sort of legal document in his left. His
dark brown eyes - typical of the northern regions of Collisterra
- burned with righteous fury behind - somewhat less typically -
his Elvin bone structure, with impressively tall ears that
protruded out from a colourful silk headscarf which stood out
against the wet browns and damp greens that stretched for miles
around.
Aerin sighed at the mud on his clothes before looking
expectantly at the cat. "What next?"
"You seem to have reacted less dramatically to when I dropped
that other person from the sky just seconds ago."
"That was the second angry Collisterran nobleman I've seen fall
from the sky in the past 24 hours. I've found I'm becoming
desensitised to ridiculous bullshit."
"Well then, my work here is done.
Good day to you sir, enjoy yo-" the cat hiccupped and suddenly
switched to the female voice. "SHHH! Do you hear that?"
Aerin looked around. "No?"
"Shit, there's the car." Two slimy tentacles rose up from
beneath the hatch and grabbed some glass bottles off the shelves
on the back wall of the carriage. "Right! Well I have time and a
corporeal form to kill. Your address is 10, Cadilay Avenue,
Ivory District. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, try not to die,
ciao for now."
The carriage doors slammed shut and, as if through thin air, the
vehicle slipped down through the ground, leaving no impressions
in the dirt to suggest it was ever there.
Aerin heard a faint rumbling from down the dirt road. He stood
alone; the corpse of Jafar Jingles had vanished along with his
own. From around a corner, another metal machine trundled into
view. This one rolled on large rubber wheels and moved much
slower than the flying thing that had chased after John Boss.
Also unlike the other machine, Aerin had a chance to inspect it.
It was painted a dull gray, apart from the two sloping black
rectangles of glass at the front. It was angular, almost to the
point of absurdity, like someone had tried to make this
automated carriage look like a weapon itself. The car slowed
down and stopped in front of him. A heavy metal door at the side
opened up and out stepped a figure dressed entirely in black;
his face hidden by a visor that only reflected Aerin's nervous
expression that became clearer as the figure approached him.
Finally, it spoke. "Aerin Liette?"
Aerin nodded quietly.
The figure lifted the visor to reveal the pale green face of an
elf which gave a smile that tried to be reassuring, but seemed
to have been practised. "We've been looking for you all day. Are
you hurt, sir?"
Slightly embarrassed by the formality, Aerin stood wringing his
hands. "Um, no. Sir."
The elf smiled a little awkwardly. "Right, get in the car and
we'll take you down to the station. It's just some paperwork,
then we can have someone drive you home if you'd like."
The lanky elf opened the back door of the car for Aerin, who
muttered a nervous little "thanks" as he got in. He shut the
door and sat in the driver's seat, next to another, shorter elf
in the same uniform. He picked up a small black device tied to
many more strange lights and numbers and words and spoke into
it. "This is Officer Alvus to HQ. Officer Lonn and I have found
the person reported missing, Aerin Liette, just outside a red
zone south of the city. He's unharmed and we're bringing him
back to-"
There was an impatient silence, except for the faint crackling
voice coming from inside the device. "A-E-R-I-N" He looked back
at Aerin, and Aerin nodded. "L-I-E-T-T-E. Like the author...In
The Shadow of The Valley? The Black Crown Rises? No?" Aerin's
eyes widened a little as he tried to hold back a smile. Alvus
sighed "It's not that uncommon a name, Saerach. Anyway, we'll be
there soon."
The officer put down the device, which buzzed as he clicked it
back into its designated resting place, and turned a key beside
the wheel. Aerin was startled as the car rumbled and growled
into life and the buttons and symbols in the front lit up
accompanied by thudding, repetitive music unlike anything Aerin
had heard before. Alvus turned the car around, and Aerin tried
to relax in his seat as they drove back to whatever city
Dryadora had become.
"Oh! By the way Aerin, remember how the Octomillipede currently
known as 'Britain' rejiggered your entire neurolinguistic
sorting office to translate this new form of Elvish people speak
in 2214 into Henry, the common tongue of your time? And in the
same way, turn your Henry thoughts back into Modern Elvish
speech? No? Well, they did, so that's convenient." said nobody,
much to the inconvenience of anyone who wasn't listening.