2014 Christmas Special: No Room at the Inn (Cheeping up with the Christs)

by Evan Forman and Michael Robertson - 25.12.14

These loose pages are - as far as I and my colleagues are aware - the only surviving material from what seems to be some kind of esoteric religious text, judging by the '[chapter:verse]' formatting and general language, dating from the early 21st era, as evidenced by the somewhat baffling inclusion of the contemporary author Aerin Liette. While it may not be referring to the same person, we know from various official records that Liette did travel extensively during this period, popping up in all five human kingdoms at least once within the space of a few months between 2014 and 2015. How this bodes for the verifiability of everything else within these pages in unknown, but perhaps even a brief mention of these Mary and Joseph characters may be found in your archive.

I hope this message finds you well,
D.S.
12/4/2214


[25:4] And it was there, amongst the tangled branches of the oak trees that Joseph did reach her wits end, and turn to her husband Mary and proclaim, "Fucksake min, when will you admit that we're lost!?"

[25:5] Mary spoke calmly to his pregnant wife in an attempt to sooth her troubled mind. "Honestly now; you've done nothing but moan since we left Magnus! We're going the right way, a'right?"

[25:6] "That's what you said 3 hours ago!"

[25:7] "And I was as right then as I am now."

[25:8] "As in 'not at all'! Look at that rock, we've walked past that rock three times already!"

[25:War] "For fuck's sake Joseph, all rocks look the same!"

[25:9] "Oh, whatever. Listen, I'm going for a walk, Janine says it's good for my aura," declared Joseph as, clutching her pregnant stomach, she dismounted from her trusty donkey, Ass, and led it over to a low-hanging branch to tie it to.

[25:10] "Joseph, stay on the donkey. I don't want to you to overexert yourself," said Mary as he unfurled a huge, sprawling map inches from his face in an attempt to plot their course through the dense woods.

[25:11] "Mary, I'm a grown woman. I'm not going to do the baby any harm by walking. Or myself for that matter. I'll be right back."

[25:11.5] Joseph began meandering through the forest, running her fingers through her luxuriant beard and not expecting to find any indication of where on Wurld they actually were, or even a way out of the woods. She walked aimlessly through the afternoon gloom, the red setting sun shining through the branches above and painting a thousand tiny veins across the forest floor.

[25:12] The intricate web of light became an ever-shifting sea and the shadows of the leaves swayed violently, as if Mother Nature were performing a drum roll to build up the tension for what was about to come.

[25:13] Joseph and Mary separately jumped with shock as the faint shockwave of a distant explosion rattled through the forest. The shadows of the leaves darkened as the intensity of the light increased, the colours of the forest changing rapidly as the trees and branches shook.

[25:14] They ran/waddled through the trees to find each other, and hand in hand and hand on stomach, they found a hole in the forest canopy to get a clear view of the sky.

[3:14159265359] Joseph stared up slack-jawed. "What...what's that?"

[25:15] "Why...it's...it's beautiful!" Exclaimed Mary as he looked at the shining light above them which fly directly up into the sky.

[25:16] The fireball began from the horizon line and plumed up into the air before blossoming into an explosion that lit the surrounding countryside for miles. Mary and Joseph stood in silence for a moment, looking up with their mouths open.

[4:20] "It looks like it came from just over there, down the hill. Maybe on the other side of this forest is some sort of town or village, explosions don't naturally occur in nature, do they? Let's go!"

[25:17] "Naturally occur in nature, oh for Ch-" "Yeah, why not?" It's the only real landmark we have right now. Or, I suppose, a skymark. But again, what actually was that?"

[25:18] "No idea. Let's investigate."

[25:19] And so, with the divine light from above as their only guide, Mary and his pregnant wife Joseph did set off with their donkey, Ass, in search of its source.

[25:20] Downwards the forest gently sloped as they made their way over the hill and towards the origin of the brilliant light.

[25:21] And, lo and behold, following the light's origin led them to a small, sleepy town which numerous shop signs identified as 'Sanusville'. Mary turned to Joseph with a relieved smile. "See? It's perfect! I'm sure we'll be able to find a place to rest for the night."

[0118 999 881 999 119 725:3] Mary dismounted and lead Joseph, astride Ass, round a corner and stopped, gaaping in disbelief. "Why...it must be a sign! I think there's an inn up ahead!"

[25:22] "What must be a sign? Let me have a look."

[25:23] Joseph barged her way forward and saw what her husband was looking at: a sign. 'Stallion and Mare Inn, Up Ahead.' The confusion on her face slowly morphed into anger and then just pure exhausted contempt. Her eyes narrowed as she turned to glare at Mary.

[8:008135] "I hate you."

[25:24] Following the sign, the couple arrived at the inn as promised, although it was significantly less miraculous than they expected. For one thing, it barely existed. The roof had been blown clean off and most of the walls had been scattered amongst the general debris which lay upon the charred ground. The wreckage was swarmed with guards who were interviewing slightly singed witnesses.

[25:25] Joseph and Mary looked at each other. "Well, I think we've found the source of the light," sighed Joseph as she climbed down from the donkey.

[25:26] They cautiously approached what was left of the inn.

[25:666] "Oh, hey, excuse us," called Mary to a nearby guard. "What exactly happened here?"

[25:27] "Excuse you, what are you doing here? This is a crime scene."

[25:28] Mary stepped forward. "My wife, Joseph, is heavily pregnant. The child she carries is the messiah, the son of God...the God of Fucking Bitches that is! Am I right!?" Mary raised a hand to the guard, who did not respond from behind his helmet. "...I don't follow."

[25:29] "I want you to understand: this child is mine. I don't know whose amazing plan he was part of, but it wasn't fucking ours. We and our boyfriend - well, at the time - were just having THE most depraved, howling, screaming, moral-destroying, heretical, blasphemously kinky sex beyond anything you could ever imagine. I'm talking about whips and chains and Ouija boards here. They don't call me Mary 'Pussy Destroyer' Of Nazareth for nothing, sunshine. And you don't even want to know why they call her Joseph 'Choke Me Father Who Art in Heaven' Of Nazareth."

[25:-500] Mary chuckled. "Anyway, we're here because we were lost in the woods when suddenly a heavenly light in the sky did shine, as if to guide us to this specific town, at this specific time, to this specific inn, in which my wife can stay to have this baby."

[25:30] The guard looked confused. "Why would you go to an inn to have a baby, shouldn't you be at home surrounded by friends and loved ones, and not just meandering around with twenty gold and a donkey to your name? That whole story is ridiculous. Go away."

[25:31] The guard turned back to the elf he was interviewing. "So, Mr. Liette, correct me if I'm wrong. What you're saying is that as you were sitting in your room, waiting for writerly inspiration to fall out of the sky, then a naked man with an eyepatch and moustache fell out of the sky, having used a silk bathrobe as a parachute, and proceeded to mix an explosive substance out of various available alcohols which he used to destroy a solid gold palace that had been falling out the sky after him, using the red scimitar of the Doom Pirate Nazir Al-Zahabi, which this 'John Boss' character had plucked from his corpse."

[25:32] "Yes." Said the elf, with a shock blanket over his shoulders. "That is, verbatim, what I just told you. I don't see why you had to quote me on that."

[25:33] They walked through the doorframe of the inn, which stood in isolation among the empty space around it. Inside they found a man who appeared to be the innkeeper, crouched over a jewel-encrusted treasure chest, pulling out handfuls of gold, pearls and diamonds and stuffing as much in his pockets as he could carry, every now and then lifting the chest to see whether or not the reduced weight made it any easier to carry.

[25:34] The sound of Mary clearing his throat made him jump and throw himself between his chest and the couple at the door, wrapping his arms around it in the same way a mother would spring to their child at the first sign of danger.

[25:35] "Please, don't be alarmed. My name is Mary, and this is my wife Joseph. We have travelled for many miles to find a place suitable to care for our newborn baby when he arrives and after days of searching, all seemed lost until a golden holy light did ignite the sky and guide us here, to your fair village. We wondered, is there any room at this inn?"

[25:36] The structural integrity of the door's wooden frame finally gave way, and the entire door behind Mary and Joseph fell backwards with a thud.

[25:37] The innkeeper stared blankly at Mary and Joseph for a full six seconds.

[25:9001] "Fuck off."

[25:38] As if they were never there, the innkeeper's attention snapped back to his loot. Joseph, with both hands holding her pregnant bump let out an audible sigh and walked out.

[25:39] "Wow, what a cunt. Should I go check in our stuff at the B&B?"

[25:40] "Where?"

[25:41] "On the map. It says there's one the next town over, it's only a short walk from here."

[25:42] A pause.

[25:43] "Yeah, alright."

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[25:44] "'A holy golden light did ignite the sky'? 'Fair village'? Mary, have you been back on the drink again?!"

[25:45] "I know, I know. I was trying to be poetic."

From Evan, Michael, and the whole John Boss gang!

[25:46] "'I thought we agreed we were never going to talk about the drinking again."

[25:47] "Oh, don't deny it as if it never happened."

[25:48] "For the last time, I'm not trying to deny it, I'm trying to move on! Why are you always hung up on the drinking? I've changed! I'm a different person now!"

[25:49] "Fine. Whatever."

We hope to see you soon for many more Actiontacular Adventures!

[25:50] "And to be honest, I only needed to drink because you picked up smoking again while you were pregnant with my baby."

[25:51] "OH HE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING YOURS, YOU FUCKING CRETIN!"

[25:52] All the hope in Mary's eyes shattered. Struggling to stand, he sat on a large rock by the side of the road, which looked exactly like the ones they'd passed four times already. "Who's the other man."

[25:53] "Mary-"

[25:54] "TELL ME, DAMN YOU."

[25:55] Tears welled up in Joseph's eyes. "God."

[25:56] Mary filled with a silent, inexpressible wail of rage and despair. "OH. YOU MEAN 'WORK' GOD? YOU MEAN 'HE WAS SUPPORTIVE OF ME WHEN YOU WEREN'T THERE' GOD?!?? YOU...YOU..."

[25:57] "I'm so sorr-"

[25:58] "DON'T YOU DARE. DON'T YOU UTTER A SINGLE. FUCKING. WORD TO ME. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. YOU DISGUSTING WHORE!"

[25:59] Ass admired the night sky above him. Incapable of language, he sauntered over to a patch of grass and began to peacefully graze.

[25:60] Joseph had to say something; she always had to say something to fill the silences in her marriage. "Jesus is a nice name."

Take care, and have a wonderful 2015!